


In The Army Now

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Ethan Gold Bashing, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 03, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-07
Updated: 2006-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:21:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set in season three..Justin is being blackmailed into going to Military school, where his life is made a living hell by a familiar face.Brian goes out searching.





	1. Fallen.

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: OK - this story has been bugging me for a loong time now, so during English class, I started writing..lol. Please let me know if I should continue? xx  


* * *

Night is falling and you just can't see  
Is this illusion or reality  
You're in the army now  
Oh, oh you're in the army - now  
   (Status Quo - in the army now)

JUSTINS POV

I should've gone to Daphne's.

I sit in my old room and hear my parents fighting downstairs. My fathers voice is too loud to listen to and I press my hands to my ears, hoping they'll take the words away. It's not working, I realize, when I hear the crack that indicates the connecting of his hand with her face. I curl up into a ball and wish for him. Brian, the one person to make me feel safe at times like these. His strong arms enveloping me and his comforting whispers in my ear. He'd take care of me.

{it was there if you ever wanted it but you closed the door and said goodbye for good.}

But he won't now. Because I messed up. I walked out on the one person I loved more than anything, to go with a eloquent phoney, whose idea of true love was showing he missed me by fucking some random *male* fan. My lips open and I feel like screeming, but his name is the only thing my lips are able to form. _"Brian"_ Oh God, why did I leave you? Why did I - I should've heard you, I did, I- I thought I did. I was deaf. How I wish I could take it all back.

_**crack** _

I hear a loud cry and that does it. I run downstairs and take yet another blow for her. My so-called father's eyes are burning up as he yells at me. "DAMN IT, JUSTIN! Stay out of it..." His mouth is covered with saliva and he looks like a bristling horse, refusing to be ridden. 

I wipe the blood off my cheek and stand back up in front of him, my arms wrapped around my mother, daring his fists to rise again. My mom is trying to get in between us, as she whispers hushed warning to me. Craig's eyes turn darker than I've ever seen them as he starts at me : "Son.."He begins, his voice calm - too calm. 

"You are not my father.." I hiss at him. He doesn't seem to hear the accusation and continues with that same calm tone. Something is off. *Way* off.

His eyes dart towards my mother, who's finally backed off and is quietly crying in the corner of the room, and he glares her a warning. - Leave her out of this, Craig. - She is rocking herself back and forth to the rhythm of her own heart and I just want to run to her and take her in my arms. It's gonna be alright, mom. "Your mother and I have decided to enroll you in the NYMA, the best military school this side of the country. Be proud, son. You got in and start tomorrow. Now before you say anything, we've already cancelled your subscription to PIFA and they said they'd make sure that _man_ got his money back. The fucking perv'll have to find himself another whore..That's life!" I walk over to him, so close our faces nearly touch and whisper with a voice full of contempt : "He's more of a man than you'll ever be." It's no treath, it's not. It's a simple declaration. 

_**crack** _ __

Brian.

__

And then it dawns on me that he can't fucking do this. I am 20 years old which means I am out of his dirty hands. I smile wickedly. "You can't do this..I am old enough now - out of *your* hands." He bellows and - oh God, this is going wrong.  "You're right," he sighs,"I have absolutely no control over your life and the things you do - you're not my baby boy anymore. So I suggest you go back to your Brian now and if - God forbid - he were to lose his job as a partner in VanGard, or something happens to that precious little Gus..I hope you're there to catch him." I spit into his face and he throws me onto the floor. 

My mom crawls towards me and throws her arms around my shaking body. "He wouldn't.."I whisper. She cries softly. "He would, honey, he knows some people. Powerfull people. Justin -" I untangle myself angrily and run up the stairs, throw myself on my bed and cry. _Brian_

  
BRIANS POV

I heard about Ian and him breaking up. I felt so fucking relieved. Something felt terribly wrong about him, and not just the fact that he was *making love* to my Sunshine. MY Justin. I am hoping - waiting for him to come back home. I wish him next to me in this bed of ours. My hand wanders to his side of the bed and grips the unslept sheets. They feel cold.

I just miss the little shit. I work all day, until deep into the night. Tonight is dinernight. I *have* to make an appearance on Liberty to see my 'mom' tonight, or she'll have my balls. 

I wonder if he's happy. If, late at night, he closes his eyes and pictures my face, wishing he never left. The way I do.

Come home, Justin. 

*

JUSTINS POV

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. 

I need to tell him, never forgetting the final words HE yelled at me. "You tell this to anyone and he'll fucking get fired!" But can I do that? Tell him without explanations? I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve. FUCK. All I know is that I have to - try.

_Leave a message._

"Brian it's me. I - I still love you. I never stopped. And I can't walk away from that..not again. You know I've..I've always worn my emotions so -"

I sob. Shit, that wasn't supposed to happen.

"Fuck. I have to leave in the morning, I can't tell you where I'm going, just that you   won't - be seeing me for some time." Tears are rolling down my cheeks and I wipe at them. I sniff. 

"I will always..always loved you. I always will, but I have to go. I don't want to, I want to wake up every morning and look at you, I want to fall asleep in your arms and for you to love me - the way you used to. I know you loved me. I just didn't know back then and I'm sso..I'm so sorry. That's all I can.." Feet coming up the stairs, the fifth one cracking underneath the weight. 

"I have to go. I love you. Goodbye Brian."  

My mom opens the door and just holds me until I fall asleep.  
   
*

BRIANS POV

I toss my keys on the breakfast bar and the loft lets the sound bounce off the walls. It sounds so hollow and empty. The loft never sounded empty or hollow when he was here. It still hurts. I grab the Beam and don't even bother picking a glass. I just put the bottle to my lips and take a gulp. The burn soothes my heartache for a moment, until I see the little red light blinking. Something's happened. _Justin.._

  
I play the message over and over again, tears streaming down my cheeks and beam doing the same down my throat. 

Don't leave me.        


	2. Searching For Home

  
Author's notes:

Here comes the second chapter.. Reviews are like music...I'll die without...no pressure - I'm just saying..*grins*

* * *

_Well painted passion_  
you rightly suspect  
impersonation  
the dumbing down of love 

jaded in anger  
love underwelms you  
no box of chocolates  
which ever way you fall

 

BRIANS POV

I slowly open my eyes and come to the realization that my head hurts like a motherfucker. On top of it, there's this loud banging penetrating my every thought and I can't fucking take it anymore.. "BRIAN! BRI-AN!" Ah, Michael. That explains the banging. _Go away, Michael.Leave me be._ I hold still and after a while distancing footsteps are heard. Mikey has left the building.

  
I try to get up from the floor - where I'd been lying apparently - and trip over the emptied bottle of Beam. FUCK. Could this day get any worse?

And then it does, when I realize why I was on the floor in the first place.  
 _He's gone_

I shake my head. No. He can't be. He has to s-stay with me. Be here. He can't leave. He can't.

Don't be gone, Sunshine. 

  
I didn't ask for this! I prayed to bring him home, not to make him leave me.

_"I don't want to"_ he said in that one way conversation that is still occupying space on the tape of my machine. _"I **have to** "_ One thing I know about Justin is that he's stubborn as hell, so why would he ever do something because he *has to*? Who made you leave, Justin? Who took you from me?

Please don't listen and come back.

  
JUSTINS POV

The sun is shining. Why does it do that? Doesn't it know that Sunshine died? Alright, that may be a bit dramatic, but it's the truth. How can I live any longer, without him or any kind of connection to him? No Gus to smile at when seeing the resemblence between him and his daddy? No Deb, to count on, for telling me if something would be wrong with Brian? No - no Brian or anything related.   
_Except this heart of mine._

The landscape flies by me and I turn to the window to gaze at the grey and hollow buildings, portraying all of my feelings. There's this ruin, that was once a home to someone, but is now half torn down. Ripped apart to pieces, the sun making the windows dance with glitter. It is both saddening and magical.

Brian. What are you doing now? Did you get my message? I will always, always love you. And if Craig hadn't done this to us, I'd be with you now, begging for you to take me back into your arms, your life and your heart. Because I know you loved me. Things have changed and this truth may have turned to being wishful thinking, but then don't tell me. Let me believe in this fable, that's keeping me alive.

*

New York. The doors to the Greyhound slide open and reveal a dirty sidewalk and empty street to me. It's about 10.50 am right now and I stand in front of a huge stone building, with a little namesign. NYMA. The big grey gates are slightly opened and squeal when I enter the grounds. 

_"You'll have the time of your life, Justin!" He said enthusiastically. "It's an experience you won't ever forget!"_ __

I wish I could believe him as I pack my suitcase at 4.30 in the morning. Socks : check. clothes: check. sketchbook : check. Heart : lost.

__

I nod my head. "Yes father, I am sure it will be." I answer, trying to put as much sarcasm I can muster in that sentence, but failing miserably, cause I'm just too fucking tired to do so.

__

My mom is leaning against the doorframe with this worried smile decorating her face. I feel bad about leaving her. Even though they are divorced, the fucker still has very much say in her life. I smile at her and blink twice. She sighs and turns away, tears forming in her eyes. 

__

I hear someone clear his throat next to me and look his way. He smiles nervously at me. "So this is it, huh?" He whispers with a sigh.

"Yeah, I guess so. Gonna be fun, right?" Now the sarcasm shines through visibly and he chuckles, holding out his hand for me. I shake it while he introduces himself. "James, forced to meet you here." 

I laugh. "Justin. likewise. Let's do this, shall we?"

"Yeah," he says defeatedly."Let's."

*

The lady in the introduction centre looks like one of the nurses in a mental hospital, with huge eyebrows and a mustache growing, hair tied neatly into a bun and an expression that would scare the crap out of anybody. Both James and I jump at the sight of her. We know that's not very nice - we do! - but seriously, this is one scary person.

"New kids?" she grumbles.. "Uh" is all my introductioncompanion can muster. I nudge him. "Yeah," I answer for him.

"Names?" Scary voice too." Justin Taylor and er - " "James". 

"You two don't mind sharing a room, do you?" We both shake our heads in relief. She hands us our key and we both get settled in our room, if you can call it that. The walls are filthy, the shower has brown stuff sticking to the wall and the toilet's clogged. There are hairs on our beds that are identified as pubes. Ieuw. 

James sighs. "Looks like we're gonna have some work here, roomie." I shake my head and laugh. I'd rather weep, but I need to make the best of this. Need to make Brian proud.

*

BRIANS POV

I drag my hand over my face and pull out my cellphone. There's **no way** I am going to work today.

"Cynthia? I'm not going to make it in today." I hear her ramble on and on about how Vance is pushing her to get me to sign some goddamn paper, and how pissed he'll be and...

"Cynthia."  
 _"What?"_  
"He's gone. I'm going to get him back."  
 _"Be careful."_

I love this woman. Next on the long list of women to call (goddamnit, I'm queer, I shouldn't have long lists of women to call!) is Daphne. I sigh and scroll down to find her number.

"So what the FUCK is up with him leaving?"

*

JUSTINS POV

The cafeteria is this big hall with equally scary 'waitresses' - you know, the people that stand behind trays of disgusting food and just smack it on your plate? What are they called anyway? James and I find ourselves a table behind some punks who are acting more childish than Gus when he plays in the sandbox. We both roll our eyes at the same time at them. I really like James. I think I've really hit the jackpot finding him when I did. 

This guy jumps up at the 'punk-table' and yells "and then I smashed the fucking faggot's skull to pieces." Cheers are heard around the table as I recognize the voice. It's the one I never wanted to hear again. Turning my head around to face the table I stare directly into the eyes of Chris Hobbs. He's startled for a minute but quickly recovers, a grin on his face. "Well, boys, I would like for you to meet the one and only faggot with a cracked skull by my hand : Justin Taylor. Hello, Justin - ready for round two?"

*

I lie on my bed and James sits down by my feet. "Hey, man..I know this is going to sound stupid, but it really sucks what that guy did to you..I'm sorry." I shake my head. "You can't help it." He nods understandingly. "Can I know what-" 

Then there's a loud banging on our door and an obvious military voice bellows: "Lights out and mouths shut!" James turns off the lights but sits down on the floor next to my bed, and I nod in the dim light the curtains are letting through. He huggs his knees to his chest as I prepare myself for an emotional tour of my past.

"Well, you already know that I'm gay - as Chris felt the need to yell across the cafeteria," I roll my eyes. "and I fell in love about 2 years ago, when I was still in highschool. His name is Brian Kinney and I still love him now.Brian is 12 years my senior and the most beautiful man I know." I hesitate."This isn't making you uncomfortable, is it?" James shakes his head and says to me: "It's only love, Justin. And I'm a sucker for that.." I smile at him and continue my story. 

"But in those days, he didn't fall in love with me. He has one night stands, but doesn't believe in love or monogamy, things like that. He was my first, but I was nothing more than a trick to him.Although he did let me name his son, that was born that very same night. The next morning he dropped me off at school, but let me know that I wouldn't be seeing him again.I didn't give up though. I followed him everywhere, he couldn't avoid me." I grin at the memories.

"When he took me home again and again, I knew that I was in - I didn't have his heart, but he *had* me several times. He never did that before. And then my dad kicked me out of the house when I told him I was gay and Brian took me in, when he realized how my father was treating me. Brian had been not verbally, but physically abused by his father and that has made a lot of difference in his life. That's the main reason he doesn't believe in love, because his father used to beat his mother and him and then tell her he loved her. 'Actions speak louder than words' is Brians credo. But anyway, so Brian took me in, even paid my college tuition and things were okay, I guess. He brought tricks home and stuff, but I knew he cared about me. Then my highschool prom came around, and I asked Brian to be my date. Of course he refused.." 

James nods."Of course." 

"Yeah, so I decided not to go...I mean, what was the use? I'd always been bullied in school by Chris Hobbs, who you had the pleasure of meeting a couple of hours ago, and it was just a stupid prom...But my mom and everybody said I should go, so I went with my best friend Daphne. And then he showed up...Brian showed up at my prom and we danced together. He kissed me in front of everybody..The worst thing is that I can't remember everything, only flashes of it. It was the best night of my life and I don't even remember all of it." Tears are starting to spill."Because when I walked Brian to his car, 'cause I needed to go back inside to Daphne, Chris Hobbs came, carrying a baseball bat. I heard Brian's scream before everything went black. I was in a coma for some time and then months of physical therapy. I still have nightmares. My hand is permanently damaged and I have lost my ability to draw. Chris Hobbs took a lot from me, and all he got in return was a slap on the wrists by a homophobic judge. Then the judge got glued to the toilet..I have an feeling Brian was behind that." I grin at him."Still following?" He nods.

"Brian took me in again, and he even admitted to like having me around, claiming that he 'wanted to come home to me'. We established some rules and we were happy. Until I wasn't anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but I went blind and didn't read his actions for what they were, I needed to hear the words. So I cheated on Brian with a guy a didn't even like, but the guy told me the words I wanted to hear. I left Brian after all he did for me. I just didn't see the things he showed me." I sob. "And then the new guy cheated on me and I left him, hiding at my mother's house. My dad showed up last night and forced me to come here, threatening to get Brian fired and to hurt Gus. My father knows a lot of people, he could get it done. I called Brian, left a message on his machine, and here I am." I smile, but it quickly turns into sobbing and then James is holding me and tucking me in...

"This has been hard on you and I'm sorry. Get some sleep, Justin."

I nod and a few moments later, I am vast asleep, dreaming of the only man I love.

*

BRIANS POV

I lie on my bed and idly play with the sheets on his side of the bed. Daphne didn't know. She'd gotten a message too and was about as clueless as I was. Next is Jennifer, but I find myself a bit hesitant to call her..She's not my biggest fan you know, even though she was the fiddler's..

I close my eyes and see him smiling. A tear escapes.

 

Be safe, Sunshine. I love you.  



	3. Dance The Stars

  
Author's notes:

This whole story is dedicated to one of my best friends, Charlotte. We've known eachother most of our lives but have only recently become friends.She means the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without her. So I named a character after her. I'm not sure it captures her, but anyway - at least they have the same name. *laughs*

You guys, your reviews have meant so much to me, I'd have given up already if you hadn't reviewed. Please continue on doing so..it makes me really happy... 

love y'all xxxL. 

* * *

 

_Everything you ever touched, the fingerprints like_  
Crime scene evidence undisturbed in dust  
I don't dare touch anything of yours,  
Because it's evidence of us  
And it means everything  
Well sort of

 

__

* * *

 

  
JUSTINS POV

It's 5:30 and I am awoken by the sound of a fucking trompet. Gee, guys, how original..Heavy footsteps are heard in the hallways and the same voice we heard last night, yells: "UP! UP! UP! YOU FUCKING PUSSIES, GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF BED!" I jump up and shake James. 

"James." *groan* "JAMES!"

He mumbles."Five more minutes..."

"NO. NOW! We need to get up, don't want to be late on our first day, now do we?" He jumps up and only then seems to realize where he is. He pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"We're still here hu?" I nod. "No dream?" I shake my head. "Afraid not, bucko!"

We change silently and are heading out to cafeteria when a voice shouts at us: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LADIES TRYING TO DO?" We turn around slowly, fear visible in our eyes. We need to look up to see this guy's face (our heads end where his neck begins). "GET. OUT!" 

We shake and hurry out of the hallways and in the direct "Mad Ass"'s finger was pointing. The courtyard's full of people. Soldiers. Like puppets they stand in a line, perfectly still, their face showing no emotion. Except one face, that stands out above all others. A girl's face, reminding me of Daphne, the same skintone and curly hair. I see her smiling at me, though her lips do not move an inch from the thin line they had been just moments before. Her eyes hold a hidden sparkle as she just stands there, tall and unmoving. We rapidly to take our place among the masses and follow the directions of this mindless life. Do as you're told and do not speak unless you are spoken to. Crawl through the mudd and cut yourself on the iron wire, but remind yourself that you owe your country all this pain. We are a proud nation and must act like one.

It's been a good day so far..Chris Hobbs only kicked me once when I lay face down in a puddle of dirt. My only desire is survival so I can get to Brian. If he could only see me now.

*

The cafeteria again, and the same disgusting food is smacked upon our plate. I see the girl with hidden smiles sitting all alone and wander over to her table, James following my footsteps. "Hey," I startle her out of her daydreaming, and she jumps a little, then smiles. "Hey..sit down. You must be the new guys, huh? I saw you on the grounds this morning." I nod my head and look next to me, where James is staring at her, seemingly mesmerised. Christ, how many times a day do I need to nudge this guy? 

He utters a hoarse : "I'm..," clears his throat and continues, "James." She flashes him a great smile and I recognize the glimmer I had discovered in the irisses of her eyes in the early morninglight. She extends her hand at him and he accepts it (somewhat stunned) with a grin. "Charlotte." Their hands don't let go until I roll my eyes and sigh -very exaggerated and fucking loud- making my presence known to them. They let eachother go as if suddenly burned and she apologetically slides her hand into mine. 

"Uh - Justin, this is Charlotte.." James explains to me - Dude, I was right there - I giggle."Charlotte - Justin." She starts laughing too and a couple of seconds later a very embaressed James snickers (I mean, it's not like the guy'll laugh at himself). 

Some time during my laughing fit I look beside me and I can tell James doesn't want to leave her yet (the guy's got it pretty bad I'd say), so I try starting up a conversation. I'm not just doing it for him either, she seems really nice, and I'd like another friend in this hellhole...Looks like she's just the girl for the job..

"So Charlotte, what's your story?" I ask her, my voice all professional and serious. 

She clears her throat, sweeps her hair off her forhead with a fancy gesture and starts: "Well Justin,James, I would say that is a rather uneventful story..." She snickers. "I'm a highschool dropout in need of some **serious** discipline. So my parents sent me here." 

"Aah," I conclude."Another forced one.." I wink at her, letting her know I'm only kidding..She grins misschievously. "Yes, boys..Now, while we're here, we might as well do some damage, break some rules.." She shrugs it off as no big deal...

This might proove to be fun...

*

BRIANS POV

_"Jennifer Taylor's office, this is Marci speaking.."  
_ This is the same way I've been greeted every other time (that's four times!) I've called this morning. Jenn won't pick up her cellphone or at her condo. Now, now, mommy - avoiding me?

"Why hello Marci, it's me again..is she in?" I ask politely (Justin's country club manners have rubbed off on me)and I hear her catch her breath for a minute.

_Oh yes, Mr. Tremont, I'll put you through to her..Hold a minute please.  
_ I can almost see her winking at me..Oh, how we love secretaries who are fond of a true conspiracy and have a great knack for inventing codenames..

_*..*_

_"Jennifer Taylor speaking.."_

All of my built up temper and frustration is on the verge of escaping at hearing her voice. She might be my only clue to finding him and her avoiding me only proves this statement.

"Jen.."

_"Ah, Brian. I was wondering what took you this long."_ she simply states _."And such an original codename too...did you honestly think I didn't know where my son had been living the past year?"_

I sigh into the phone. No biggie, Marci - we'll get 'er next time. "I need to find him. Please help me find him..I know I've not been your favourite, but -"

She interrupts me. _"It doesn't matter who my favourite was - or is - Brian. You are Justins favourite, that's all that matters to me..-don't roll your eyes -"_ My eyerolling stops midway - what *is* it with those Taylors seeming to know everything I do? I wonder if Molly has this thing to? _"You made him happy, Brian. The happiest I've ever seen him. I just never wanted to admit that you were right for him. I don't want to lie to you, Brian.That's why I've tried avoiding you. Justin always said you were persistent..."_ she laughs _."Turns out he was right.."_ Then she grows serious again. 

_"Brian, if I tell you where he is - the things Justin tried to stop from happening will happen anyway.We just can't do that to him.I know we both love him too much for that."_

And then she suprises the shit out of me by saying she would like to meet me somewhere, so we can talk. I'm too shocked to speak so when nothing but a sharp inhale of breath comes out of me, she seems to understand perfectly.

_"You are the only thing I have left of him, Brian.I need him just as much as you do."_

Can't argue with that one.

*

JUSTINS POV

"Shhhhh-it." I hear Charlotte whisper frantically, as she drops the flashlight to the floor with a loud klang. Ooh, thaaat's just great. Ruin the only source of light we have why don't you? "Guys -" she yells at her most silent tone. "Guys! - I can't fucking find it anymore.." James and I both groan out of frustration, as we lower ourselves to the ground and - oh yes - *crawl* over the dirty floor, with our hands for searchtools. Footsteps in the distance.

Dm.

Dm.

Dm.

We hold still and stop breathing altogether, letting out a relieved breath when the footsteps grow silent. And then Ms. Subtle starts giggling uncontrolably. Oh Man! This should've been a 'girls not allowed'-mission, but try telling that to *her*. Besides - other than our higher chances of getting caught- so far it's been fucking *fun*. 

I reach for her and put my hand in front of her mouth.  
Shhh.

A light shines happily into our eyes and thank God James found the flashlight. We each take one of her hands and run as silently as we can through the maze of endless halls full of rooms, in most of which snoring can be heard. 

We finally break free and run through the grounds, sitting down on the soft patches of grass, already sprinkled with dew. We fall backwards and stare up at the sky, littered with stars.

  
_Dance with me on the_  
littered floor of heaven  
where freedom is the purest thing  
since love has touched the ground.  


I love you Brian.


	4. Bonding

  
Author's notes:

Okay, here's the fourth chapter. I wrote the character Brooks like the Brooks in The Shawshank Redemption.That's how you need to see him. I think he's sort of the Mysterious Maryline of the story - who knows?They're probably related. He'll become one of the key-people in the plot...So PREPARE for that..*giggles* 

I always thought that Brian and Jennifer would really like each other if they'd taken a chance.So there'll be a lot of that going on too..

Pleaase let me know what you think - it means the world.

Love y'all.

* * *

  
JUSTINS POV

"Y'all, I think I'm gonna call it a night.."They both laugh at my fake 'country-butch-cowboy'-voice and then smile sheepishly at me.

"Er- Justin, would you mind if we stayed here a little longer? It's just that..you know, er-" Ow, James is blushing. _Cut him some slack, Taylor, and help him out here.._

"Nah, 't's okay, I'll see you in the morning. Or is it - night? Well, morning - night, too fucking early's all I know." We say our goodnights and I strut down to the silent building, entering through the open window in the sportshall. I slowly sink down and walk on the tips of my toes, so silent  - I swear, you could *never* hear me. At least, I think you couldn't..unless you're a bat. But what are the chances of that? I smirk and smile when I think about James and Charlotte. They look great together and even though no relationships are aloud in this place, they'll make it. 

They'll be together.

And that wipes the smile off my face. Because I'll always be alone in here. The only one I want and love is out there and has no idea on where to find me. That is - if he wants to find me at all. Which he probably doesn't, I mean. After what I did to him..

"No." 

The tired, worn out voice scares me and I snap my head around so fast I think I pulled a muscle or something. There's an old man standing a few feet away from me, leaning on a mob. He looks wise..You know, one of those people that you *know* are 'gifted' or whatever you call it. Well, whoever he is, I need to..I don't know - run?talk to him?

"Excuse me?"

He smiles. "You heard me, Justin.I said no." Justin. He - he called me Justin..How does he?

"Know your name?" I nod. "Doesn't matter." Oh-kaay? I frown and he smiles at me. 

"You can't think about him like that, Justin. He misses you.More than you know." How does he know -

"What you were thinking?" I nod again. "Doesn't matter either. Justin, he's out there and, believe it or not - he's lonely too, although he *does* have a companion of some sort." I snort. Oh yeah, he _always_ has a 'companion of some sort'...

He clears his throat. "A *female* companion.." Huh.

Riiight."Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?" 

He nods. "There is only one man in your heart, Justin."He smiles mockingly and cryptically and I raise an eyebrow, daring him to continue.He giggles and throws his hands up in defeat. "Alright, Brian Aidan Kinney - ad exec, stud of Liberty Ave and all around complicated guy?"

Holy fuck. "Is he alright?"

He smirks."As well as can be expected. Now, get some sleep Justin, there are long days ahead."  
Yeah, and it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night. I mean, what do I do with information like this? And a female companion? Who's keeping him safe..?

"Hey mister..?"

"Call me Brooks." Brooks smiles, his smile has the brightness so particular to old men. This hidden, 'I-ve-been-places-and-seen-things-you-could'nt-imagine,-my-young-friend' - glow decorating it and him.

"Right, Brooks. Who's the woman?" Lindsay or Deb, I guess, he'd be caught dead before spending an evening alone with Mel..

"Well, let's just say, he and a certain Jennifer Taylor are currently nursing a bottle of Beam in his fancy loft.." He winks at me and leaves me standing there, stunned. Huh, _that_ I wouldn't have guessed. 

I want to protest and ask more, tell him that that just *can't* be right, but he's already leaving and yells over his shoulder, grin firmly in place: "Good-NIGHT, Justin.."

I think it takes me five minutes to finally have the nerve to move my feet.

* * *

_I ain't afraid of hurt  
I've had so much it feels just like normal to me now._

BRIANS POV

I tip the bottle to pour myself (and her- surprise, surprise, little Jenny Taylor drinks Beam) another glass.

"I love him, Jennifer."

 

She looks at me with her huge, trusting (and somewhat drunk) eyes and nods. "I know."

"I..."I swallow and clear my throat lighty."Have you noticed that the bottle has our initials branded on it?" 

I cover the unneccesary lettres with my fingers until only the J and B are left. She stares at them, because it's so amazing...The effect two marks can have on lonely people is incredible. I drop the bottle as if burnt and cover my eyes, pressing them closed. Don't cry, you idiot. 

The bottle shatters on the floor as Jennifer hugs me. I cling to her as if she's the only one to keep me from falling apart.

And before it all gets too intimate, she chuckles: "That's a damn waste of the Beam, Kinney.."   
I laugh..

"I think we've had enough for the night, Jen. Whiskey's fine, but with all this emotion-shit on top of it..It's too much." I murmur softly. "It's just too much..."

I lift myself and she comes to my rescue, allowing me to lean on her as we slump over to the bed. We just lay there, side by side, and christ,I never thought I'd lie in a bed next to Justin's mom...She turns her head to look at me and grins. "Guess I'm not your regular bed-partner, huh? I feel kinda special now.."

"Well, it _is_ an honour, Mrs Taylor, you're the first woman to ever share this bed with me.."

"The first?" I nod and she giggles."I'm gonna brag about this to everyone, you know that right? Deb'll be insanely jealous and Marci'll try to scratch my eyes out.." She smiles. "You have quite an effect on people, Brian. I see it now.."

I rest my head on my propped up elbow. "I see how Justin turned out the way he did. You're really a great woman, Jennifer." She blushes profoundly and slaps my shoulder.

"Oh, Quit it, Brian..."

"I'm serious, is all I'm saying."

She laughs."You drank too much.."

"I swear to God.."

"Shut up.."

"The God-honest truth."

And then we laugh together, the both of us. The mother and the ex.

_Or current?_

After a couple of minutes - maybe a half hour - okay, maybe it *was* an hour, she excuses herself. Needs to be there to drive Molly to school and stuff... 

"We should do this again, Mr. Tremont. You can call my assistant Marci and we can set up another one of these things.."

And with a smile she was gone.

The loft grew empty again and the memories came back in full force, dancing across the ceiling.

_Oily marks appear on walls_  
where pleasure moments hung before.  
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this  
still life.  



	5. Guidelines

  
Author's notes:

Dedicated to Charlotte - happy birthday girl! xxxL.

* * *

__You found me_ _

___When no one else was looking_ _ _

__How did you know just where I would be?_ _

__I guess that you saw what nobody could see_ _

_You found me._

__

* * *

_“The best thing about sex is the way it fills the emptiness.”_

It doesn’t anymore. No more nameless, faceless and meaningless tricks and flicks. No more empty faces and less than stellar mouths. Because what is there to seek? Seeking him every time and never finding. No more fucks now.

  _Leave me alone and get on with your miserable lives, I am tired of being who I used to be._ Please fuck off.

_Fuck – OFF. Fuck – ON._

Fuck – OFF.I’m switching the button for good today.  I am Brian Kinney, I am lover, I am friend. I am stud off.  I am Peter Pan, looking back at Neverland before turning my gaze onward, where I discover a brighter star.

_It flickered for a moment, and then it was gone._

I’m lost.

The amber liquid in front of me in sucking me in as I put the shotglas to my lips and take a long gulp, swallowing the crop of emotions down my throat. Little actionfigures with their dicks hanging out of their pants stare back at me. What is this emptiness? Resting my head on my hand, I raise my glass and  hear the flow of Beam in the glas being filled. Empty, it was.

I look at it as if it holds all the answers. I think I’m really drunk. When I was a kid, I used to think that being drunk would make me giddy and happy. It made my mother smile. She smiled when looking at Jack. Looking at his fists connecting with my face. I hate my mothers smile. I was even overjoyed when the booze made her a bitch.I found out, years later, that drinking doesn’t make me giddy or happy or ... smile. Well, at least when I’m drinking in this state of mind. It makes me feel lonely, even more than I did before. 

 “He feels the same way, sugar.” Ah, the sweet, low, **male** voice of Mysterious Marilyn. Good to know some people will never let you down and annoy you when you need it the least. I raise my eyebrow at her, him?, and she sighs. “Put your hands on the Tarot, sweetie.” I snort. “I’m keeping my hands to myself.”

_For a change._

“For a change? Good to see this, honey, you’re right on schedule.” I roll my eyes. “It’s not my fault..We all do as He pleases.” 

“Tell him, I can do without a schedule. I make my own life. I am in control.” Damn it, this is my life, I do not need some non-existent higher power telling me what to do.

She clears her throat. “Brian, you haven’t been in control since the night you met him.” And she’s right. It frustrates me to no end, but there you have it. I lost it all to some twink under a streetlight. To some boy who can make me feel things I never thought I could. Who saw me.

 I don’t like being drunk like this.

Marilyn Mon-phychic grabs my hands and I don’t do anything to stop her. She closes her eyes and after a few ‘Hmm’s and ‘haa’s she smiles. “He misses you too, darling, but he did all this for you.” Aah, and once again he’s doing something amazing for me when I did squat for him. I had a feeling.

“Did what exactly?” She smiles apologetically. Allright. No – she can’t just spout that shit on me and then just expect me to leave it be when she knows where he is and what he’s doing.“

So I take it you can’t tell me. That’s completly **_fucked_**.” The ‘he’ is kicking in when she grumbles. I throw my hands up in defeat.“Fine, then can I at least know where he is?”

She shakes her head. “I can tell you who he’s with...” Fear. He found someone else..  “No, nothing like that. You’re the only one for him, I thought you’d figured that out by now..” She sighs with a smile. Ah, right – yeah, I knew that...After all, the pledge of love still occupying my answering machine tipped me off. Yeah, I wasn’t worried for a second there. 

I raise my eyebrows in expectance. “Oh, right. Sorry, sugar, I zoned out for a moment there..he’s with a really good friend of mine..” Well, that’s _good_ news..I chuckle. “Another Drag?” 

She laughs. “No. But another one with a gift. He’s there to see your lover through some..” she thinks deeply, trying to find the words that’ll upset me the least.. “rough patches.” Another piece of **good news**...Give me more...Oh, let Hobbs be there. That would be a real _paradise._

She takes a deep breath. “Actually, he is.” Wait – what? My breath hitches.  

“I was kidding, for God’s sake!”  

She raises her finger to her lips. “Shush, honey. Everything happens for a reason.”

“Right. And the reason you told me all of this is so I could go and get him – right? Right?!?” I jump up – too fucking fast – and grip her shoulder. “Where is he.” It’s not a question, it’s a demand. 

“Please..” She adds with her lips pursed together.

“No. No ‘please’.” Her eyes shoot me down. “Alright. Please – I have to find him.” 

She nods. “And you will. In its right time.”

Without giving her a backwards glance, I storm out of Woody’s and dial a number.

“Hey Marci – put her on?”

 

JUSTINS POV

So here we are, after another lousy day, reunited under the flickering TL-light. The blue shimmer flickers on and off.

_It flickered for a moment, and then it was gone._

The four of us : Brooks, James, Charlotte and poor little old me. Still lonely – and fucking losing the cardgame we’re playing. Every now and then Charlotte smiles mysteriously over the edges of her cards and fuck it, I just want to make her cry. I’m sorry for being a bad loser. I need to win. I neeeed tooo...

“Charlotte,” I tell her in my honeysweet voice. “Do me a favor...”

“Anything for you...”

“...lose this time?”

She grins. “Except for that..” and then she starts giggling and singing : “I would do anything for you – but I won’t do that...No I won’t do that...” 

Bitch. You’re the best!

I let out a exasperated breath. “huh.”

James grabs his – now girlfriend by her chin and kisses her lips softly. I smile half-heartedly at my friends, but not so they’d notice. I look happy to them. I am happy, I just miss him.

Brooks, who somehow senses all of this, squeezes my shoulder and grins. “Don’t worry Justin, we’ll beat ‘em next time.”

“Good. ‘Cause I’m tired of being the slave-boy.” I pout. It’s weird, but as I’m saying it, I can hear Brian’s voice inside my head, and feel his lips close to my ear as he whispers: _You can be my slave-boy anytime._

Just say the word, Brian. Just say the word.

_*_

So after losing yet another game of ‘Presidents’, I’m ready to call it quits. It’s getting late and we have to be up at 5 again. So as we are retreating to our rooms (James is kissing Charlotte goodbye – for about 12 minutes _**eyeroll here**_ ),  Brooks holds me back.

“Justin, there’s something I think you should know.” He smiles so brightly, this can only be good news.

“What? Tell me...” I’m giddy and have forgotten aaall about the game. 

“ It won’t be long until he finds you. It won’t be long until he’s here.” My mouth is hanging open. I’d imagined I’d get another ‘he misses you’..or ‘he’s having another drink with your mother’. But this?

This is over the fucking moon, I declare as I find myself lying in my bed, when I don’t even remember walking here. Over the moon.

_Guess how much I love you, Brian.I love you right up to the moon – and back._

I close my eyes and see his face, those lips forming the words I am longing to hear.

_I’m coming, Justin. I’m on my way._

 

BRIANS POV

_“_ Jen..do you believe in psychics? I mean – ‘gifted’ people?” She looks at me, thinking deeply. She gets little wrinkles on her forhead, the same thing Justin gets when he’s trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into words.

“Yeah,” she decides. “I do. I believe some people can see things others can’t. Know things others don’t.”I nod. “ And God?”

“He’s never been a friend of mine. I’ve never believed that he exists. I believe in a higher power, though. I believe in Fate. Like – like I believe that you were meant to meet Justin. You were just meant to, but whatever you do with the chances Fate brings, is up to you. You have to make your own happiness. Your own life. But grab the chances it hands you... Because they might not return.” She concludes. “What about you – a friend of ‘the big man’?”

 I snort. “It’s funny. My mom used to drag me to church every single sunday and I’d sit there on those wooden benches, while looking up to a crusified man and speaking words I never believed. God was just never present in our house, but he was always there. If he exists, he just stood by and watched.” 

I exhale the smoke through barely opened lips. She nods. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. Besides, if all of that shit hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have grown up to be the fabulous person I am now...Think of what you’d have to miss..”

She smiles. “I can’t even imagine my life without someone as sweet and humble as you, Brian.”

I snicker. “Likewise. Likewise.”

She motions for me to pass her the joint. Huh, I think I underestimated little Jen.

“So why did you bring it up anyways?”

“Mysterious Marilyn knows things about Justin. And about how to find him.”She exhales the smoke and passes the joint back to me.

“I’ll find him, Jennifer. I will.” 

  _I’m coming, Justin. I’m on my way._


	6. Operator

  
Author's notes: Ma : codename for Mad Ass, the instructor they met in chapter 3. Please review..  


* * *

_You’re never gonna be alright_

_until you learn the meaning of life._

 

JUSTINS POV

Another attempt and a victory at escaping the fort. We run across the streets and are a bit frightened by real life as we find it on the streets. 

After a while, the walls of the school are less threatening. You become used to them. They protect you. Being thrown into the everyday-life with racing cars and fast treads is quiet a scare. Three weeks in a building, with no escape from the grounds, is a long time.

I feel like I’m in the fifth grade as Charlotte grabs our (James and mine) hands and runs across the asphalt, her fingers tightly gripping for support.

A booth dressed in graffiti, the lyrics to some rebellious song glowing in the darkness of the evening. It holds my hope, that little cubicle over there. 

_We don’t have time for thinking._  

I dial the number etched into my soul. The line of marks that has been my salvation many times before.

_Be there, Brian_. 

 

BRIANS POV

I don’t even realize it happening. The shift inside my head, the feeling that something major is about to happen tonight. I don’t even feel the impact of it until hours later the phone rings and my thoughts just..awaken.

I want to run to it, I feel my limbs aching to go faster, but my feet – they won’t. They shuffle down the stairs and – eerily calm, make their way over to the phone. 

“I’m here.” 

_“I knew you would be.”_

I snicker. “I always knew you were a smart man, Sunshine.” I speak his name so softly, as if I’m afraid to break it, or afraid that if I say it, he’d disappear and I’d stand over here, the dialtone ringing in my ears. Imagining it all and slowly going crazy.

I can hear him breathing and close my eyes to the sound of it. It’s almost like he’s here, sleeping next to me. I can see the blue duvet partly covering his body, his skin contrasting the darkness of it.  

 “ _I miss you,Brian.”_ He says ever so quietly. “ _I miss you so much.”_  

I swallow the lump down my throat and blink a couple of times to clear my eyes of the tears that are forming. I can’t cry now. I have to show hiw that he can depend on me, that I’ll be strong for the both of us.  

“Yeah,” I tell him, my voice breaking. “Me too.” 

He takes a deap breath.. _“And I’m so sorry about...”_  

I interrupt him. “Don’t be.” 

And it’s true, even though it hurt like hell when he left, he can’t apologize for it. He needed to this. Needed to choose me after it all. “You needed to – and I made you.”  

_And you said I know that this will hurt_

_but if I don't break your heart_

_then things will just get worse_

_If the burden seems too much to bear_

_remember the end will justify_

_the pain it took to get us there_  

 

“People screw up, Justin. It’s how we deal with the mistakes that we made, that makes us who we are.”  

And he just knows what I need to hear when he silently whispers: _“I chose you. If you’ll have me, I chose you.”_  

There’s some tension in his voice though, which I don’t really get. Justin, you made the unthinkable happen. You made me fall in love. Do you really think I’d get over that – over you that easily? 

I thought you were on to me.  So I lightly say: “Well, I don’t know, Justin, will you ever leave again me for ugly banjo-players?”

He laughs. It’s good to hear him laugh. _“Maybe next time, it’ll be a cellist...”_ And then he turns serious. 

_“I’ll never leave you..”_ The words are spoken so silently it could easily have been a breath, especially with all the background noise that’s out there. 

Where the fuck is he? I exhale sharply. “You better..” 

“So where are you?”  

 

JUSTINS POV  

_“So where are you?”_  

I sigh. “You know I can’t tell you that Brian. It could have some pretty serious consequences.  _(I so hate consequences)_  ..but my friend tells me that you’re pretty close to figuring it out..” 

He chuckles and I can almost see him scrunching up his nose and tipping his head a bit to the side. _“How is dear old Brooks doing anyway?”_  

I laugh. “He sends his regards to Mark.” 

“ _Mark?”_  He can be so adorably clueless sometimes. 

“A.k.a Mysterious Marilyn..a friend of yours?”

_“Oh yes,”_   he answers with a whole lot of sarcasm and an eye-roll. _“I absolutely adooore her..”_  

A ticking on the cubicle wall shakes me out of my smile and the ‘door’ crackles when James opens it, skittishly looking around. 

“Justin – we have to go...Ma could be here any moment..”  

Brian clears his throat. _“Ma?”_ he huffs. “ _A scary mother around? She’s not worse than Joanie, is she?_ ”  

I roll my eyes. “ ‘Ma’’s a codename, Brian...You of all people should know – Mr. Tremont. ” 

_“And how the fuck do you know this?”_ he grumbles sweetly. Yes, I did just put sweet and Brian in the same sentence..  

“Brooks told me...” I sigh when I Charlotte jumps up and down next to the cubicle and waves her hands in a wide circle before pointing her two fingers in the direction of the way back. 

 

" I have to go.” 

_“Don’t.”_  I smile. 

“I love you Brian.” 

“ _Be safe, sunshine. I’ll be there as soon a.._ " 

  **“TAYLOR!”**   

Oh shit.  

 

BRIANS POV 

“I’ll be there as soon a..”  

**_“TAYLOR!”_**  

And then the dialtone rings in my ears, just like I imagined it would. 

 

Shit, that didn’t sound so good.  


	7. Canonball

  
Author's notes:

This chapter is for Shannyn, who helped me when I got stuck and has encouraged me these last chapters.. Thank you thank you thank you!

Review are begged for. xxxL.

* * *

JUSTINS POV  

__Sing sing nightingale_ _

I feel like Cinderella..

I mean, seriously, look at me – mobbing the floor. It’s not like it’s going to get cleaner !?! For fuck’s sake, we are in military school, which I suppose is just a eufemism for ‘the dirt palace’. Men and women trail through these hallways after a day of intense physical exercise, their filthy shoes leaving marks on the floor, and who’s supposed to make the floor shine spottless?  

CinderJustin on duty.  

< flashback : _ <_

_**"TAYLOR!"** _

_I turn around and look into Ma’s eyes, that are radiant with anger. His head is swollen and darn, looks like it’s about to explode any second now.._

_Run for COVER._

_He grabs me by the collar of my shirt, in a not so gentle way, and throws me in the back of his army jeep. He only looks at Charlotte and James and they willingly jump into the car, only just closing the door as the jeep roars away from the curb._

_‘I’m sorry’ I mouth._

_Charlotte, as sweet as ever, cocks her head and winks at me, while her boyfriend is being rather quiet, but not pissed, or blaming me. Aah, I love those guys!_

_“YOU –” Ma looks back and bristles, not paying any attention to the road (doens’t this guy have any responsability?) “ – WILL – ” Uhuuu?  “PAY for this, you fucker.”_

_>_ flashback<   

I sigh. 

So that why I am over here, while the others are out there taking orders. I actually wouldn’t mind this thing, - it gets me out of being out **there** with Hobbs and his gangmates, Ma giving me a migraine every     single     day,- if it didn’t feel like one of those ancient beliefs of neverending torture in the underworld.  

In Greek mythology, there were these stories of mortals who would insult the Gods, and when they would die, they would have to do everlasting chores in one of the most terrifying places in the Underworld. 

Like, say, fill a bottomless case with water.  __

< **flashback <**

“ _You and you’re bottomless pit – how can you eat so much?”  Brian asks, shaking his head, even after a year still surprised that I can eat as much as I do.._

_I keep munching happily on the cookies I’m consuming..I love my metabolism..._

_My eyes start to sparkle wickedly..“Well, I have to keep you on your toes and make sure you get as much excercise as possible. It’s your responsability to keep me thin by fucking me, you know? Speaking of our sexlife, it isn’t what it used to be...I think you’re getting old...” I grin, knowing what will be the outcome of my little speech._

_Brian’s eyes go wide and he glares at me._

_“You’re going to pay for that, you little shit...” he growls.._

_I yelp and jump of the stool, running through the loft with him chasing me.._

_Hoping he’ll catch me any moment._

_I always love his punishment, and he doesn’t disappoint me when he grabs my hair tightly and presses his lips roughly to mine.._

_Devouring me._  

I smile at the memories and remember the sound of his voice the other night. How wonderful it felt to hear him speak to me again.  

Sunshine, he said. Sunshine. He said it so softly, so tenderly. That one word was all I needed to know he misses me too. 

That’s another upside to this punishment I’ve received. Enough time to let the memories take over for minutes at a time. Enough space to block real life out.  

Well, this is as clean as the hallway’s gonna get! Time to start with the bathrooms..  

BRIANS POV 

__Love taught me to cry_ _

The family can be so fucking blind from time to time.  I keep putting on these masks to cover my real feelings and not one of them has ever seen through the facades. 

Justin saw right through me, even that very first night. The way his eyes pierced my flesh and saw right to the core of my.. heart, my being. 

Shit, he was just a kid then and yet he seemed to know me better than the lot of them. He saw more.  He saw everything. 

And I refused to believe that at first, I refused to let this kid get under my skin. I let myself think that he didn’t know what he was talking about, just some kid with a highschool crush on the hottest guy around. (I never said I was modest!) 

He had stars in his eyes. Both literally and figure of speech. 

He had so much hopes and dreams. 

__"You’ll see me in your dreams.."_ _

He had this amazing sparkle in his eyes, this untouched glimmer that made him look so beautiful. How I miss that sparkle. He used to get it every time he’d look at me and I pretended not to notice, but I was a thing that made my heart ache. Brian Kinney started feeling.  

I look at my watch for the twentieth time in half an hour and can’t help but wonder why time is passing this slowly.. I never thought I’d live to see the day that I would be waiting anxiously to see Jen.. We’ve grown close. Very close. Because I let her see. 

Emmett finally decides to speak up. “Jesus, Brian. What’s with the watch-obsession?” He asks o-so-chipper. 

“Not that it’s any of **your** bussiness, Honeycutt – but I happen to be waiting for someone..” I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when I kiss my ‘date’ hello.    

Immediately Michael starts to pout. “Other than us? You never spend time with us anymore, Brian. It’s not fair..” 

I roll my eyes. “I see you guys every morning at breakfast, every afternoon at lunch and every sunday at the gym...When I feel like it, I even make it to Babylon and see you there...How’s that ‘not spending any time with you’?”  

The childish pouting continues and Deb’s at our table within seconds, popping her gum and staring at me like I’m the big bad wolf. 

“What’ddya do?”  

“Oh, so now it’s my fucking fault again?” Ted and Emmett raise their head simultaneously, shifting their gaze from me to Debbie.  Is it me or have they become even more geeky now they’re an item? An _item_. Ha. 

“It usually is, smartass.” 

“Well mommy, my little bwother can’t stand the fact that I have other people I want to associate with...” I roll my eyes again.

 “You expecting company, Kinney?” She tips her head. 

“As a matter of fact, I am.” The bell announces the arrival of another customer and I am pleased to say it’s the one I’ve been waiting for.  “And here she is...see you later, boys.”  

Now this is entertainment. 

I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and open my eyes wide. She reads my amusement in them grins widely. Of course, being the silly WASP she is, she raises her eyebrows at me and strutts over to the table. I snicker. She’s almost as cocky as I am. 

“Hello boys..” Several ‘ugh’s are heard around the table...She smiles. “That’ll do....Hi Debbie.” She kisses her cheek. “Bye Debbie.” and then scurries over to where I am still standing. 

Ten minutes later we are still laughing over the encounter as we head over to – a cabin?  “Why, Mrs. Taylor, you’re not planning to have a secret sex encounter with me are you?” I grin at her. Her cheeks flush. Just the reaction I’d hoped for. 

“Nooo-w, Mr. Kinney, I am a pretty decent woman.”  

I laugh. “Riiiiight.” 

“Shut up, I am. I just think my condo’s being watched.” Does this feel like we’re in some sort of thriller or what? 

“By -?” 

“Craig. He’s forbidden me to see you.” She looks sad. I don’t want her to be sad. 

“He’s you’re ex-husband Jennifer. And I stress ‘EX’ ” 

She shakes her head. “He did this to Justin, and he’ll do bad things to me – and to you, if he knew we spend time together.” 

Craig. I figured the bastard was behind this. 

And then sobs wreck her body and all I can do is pull her to me and kiss the top of her head. 

“I won’t let him hurt us...and I’m going to get Justin out of there. I promise.” 

She nods her head and tries to stop her tears, wiping them away. 

“So, Jen, does this place have anything numbing to offer?” 

She stands up and walks over to the closet, pulling out a  bottle of Scotch.  

Bingo. 

JUSTINS POV 

“I neeed to take a piss..” he yells into my ear. I just keep on cleaning the toilet, letting the yelling just flow through. Fucking Hobbs... 

I didn’t see the punch coming. Nor did I feel his hand grope the back of my neck until it shoves my head against the wall.  

I feel the pain. I feel the longing to scream out Brians name. The need to cry. 

But I don’t.  

I turn around and look him in the eye. I smile.  “What’s the matter Chris...remind you of community service?”  

This time I see it coming. It’s like time slows down and I see everything just happening: the raising of his hand, the swing and the slap. My head hitting the toiletseat and the blood running down my face. 

He unzips his pants and takes a piss.  

 

He needs to work on his aim.

 

_Hurry up Brian. I can’t take it much longer._

_Save me._


	8. Lost and found.

  
Author's notes:

Sorry for the late update, everybody..my mind has been overloaded for a while and RL wouldn't wait.

Please review! Would it help things along if I told you how much I love you all? Very very much... Thanks to Shannyn for standing by me.

xxxL

* * *

JUSTINS POV 

A week and three days.  That was the time I had to spent in the hospice wing after Chris’ bathroom-whim.  There was shoving, there was yanking and – oh yes, there was punching. I can still taste the metallic flavour of blood in my mouth. 

I sigh as I enter the administration room. After the bleeding – back to the job, armed with a broom and a garbage can.  

_Armed and fabulous_  

At least it’s not a toothbrush. 

My humming comes to an abrupt stop as I realize what I am cleaning..  

 

I think I like this room.  

 

BRIANS POV 

 

Well, another boring day at VanGard, sitting behind my desk, silently (and not so-silently) cursing the fuck-up twins for ruining yet another set of boards. I’d fire them, but they’re Vance’s little nephews. _Aargh -  family_.  

I close my eyes and cry on the inside. It’s been over a month since he disappeared from my life. This ache inside my chest has been a constant.  (So have my ‘dates’ with Jennifer. )

But the last week something else has entered me. A  fear that creeps into my every fiber. Something’s terribly wrong. I went to look for Marilyn Mon-psychic, but she is nowhere to be found. Well, she wasn’t at Woody’s. (and really, who knows where these people live?) 

I’m going back for her tonight. 

* 

_Baby I'll call up a storm_

_Keep you safe from harm_   

I find her. A sobbing mess, clutching the bar for all its worth. And that throws me and at the same time confirms my worst fears, that something really _is_ wrong. That he’s in danger. 

I grip her shoulder and call her name, and when no answer comes forth, I try a different technique. I shake her and yell “Mark!” into her ear. She jumps up. Well, at least I got her attention..  

“Kinney..sit d down, I’vve been expecting yu-you.” She babbles. I nod. I knew that. Now let’s get on with what I don’t know.  She wipes her eyes with her sleeve and her make-up’s running. “I had a fight with Brooks..” She says sadly, signaling at the bartender to pour her another drink. He looks at me for help and I shake my head curtly. I need her to be as lucid as she can when telling me this. 

So, the two psychics fought..big surprise there. If you ask me, it was bound to happen. What I am interested is what they fought * about *. So I look at her and urge her on by sending her ‘tell me’-vibes. Don’t ask me why and how, all I know is that they’re full of shit. Vibes. Huh. What am I thinking? 

“...about you and..” Justin, obviously.  “ Something’s happening, sweetheart, and I know you feel it too.” She swallows hard. “Br – ooks wants me to tell you where Justin is, to – you know, speed up the process a little, but I want you to find out on your own.” She takes a deep breath. “I think it’s best if..” 

“If you fucking TELL ME!” I yell and every patron of Woody’s turns around stares at me (fuming, with my hands clenched to fists..my eyes are radiating anger at this woman, because how _dare_ she suggest that it would be better to keep me away from Justin when he’s being hurt?) 

“Listen,” I begin in a sort of calm way, “Marilyn. You can * not * keep me away from him when he is being hurt. You just – can’t.” I whisper. 

She looks up at me and seems to look for something. Her bow furrows and she asks me : “Do you love him..truly, madly, deeply?” I nod decisively (and a little annoyed – didn’t I already pour my soul to her a month ago?). “Are you planning on telling him that?” Well... 

“I don’t know.” I answer, honestly. Because I am nothing if not honest (you can ask Justin, I’ve been a shit to him over and over again – but always an honest shit). “But I sure as hell am going to try and show him, and make things better. I know that I need him in my life. I plan to stick by him, because, well – this last month has proven to me that he is something I cannot do without. The first someone I cannot live without.” I look away to not let her see the emotion in my eyes, because it’s clearly visible to the world. I sigh deeply as if annoyed out of my mind and turn back to her (having cleared all signs of having a heart). 

She gives me a small smile. “When you go home, there’ll be an e-mail waiting for you. Answer it and tell him that you’re coming to New York’s military academy to see him. To _save_ him.” She nods. “Go.” 

I run out of the bar.  

 

I’ve got mail. 

* 

_Brian,_

_I can’t be long, I could get caught any minute and if I do, it’s not gonna be good. I want you to know that I am as fine as I can be, considering the circumstances. I miss you so much and think about you every second of the day, even if it is a huge cliché, I can’t just turn off how I feel. I love you._

_Yours always,_

_Justin._  

**Reply to :[Jtaylor@aol.com](mailto:Jtaylor@aol.com)**

**from :[Kinney@VanGard.com](mailto:Kinney@VanGard.com)**

**Subject : Be safe and stay put.**  

Justin, 

I finally know where you are – you are always so good at keeping secrets if I don’t have a strawberry margarita to get you drunk and make you tell me- and I am coming for you. 

Stay put and be safe. I have a feeling deep inside me that is not predicting good news.  I’ll be there as soon as I can, I promise. Be safe, Sunshine. I mean it. 

Same here, 

Brian. 

* 

_I'm gonna leave any minute_  
See the skyline disappear  
Head out of the city  
Burn my clothes bury my fears  


I call Cynthia to tell her that I won’t be coming to work in the morning because I found him and am planning on getting him back home, and that she should probably tell Vance that I’m sick.

 She wishes me good luck before hanging up the phone. _I just hope I won't need it_. 

An hour later I am driving on the highway to New York, my black jeep blending in with the night.  

Come morning, come Sunshine.


	9. Anything and everything

  
Author's notes: o, here's the big chapter where they find each other again, I hope you like it...xxxL.  


* * *

Brian's POV

_All the words to what's unspoken_  
Put together everything that's broken  
Just to see you  
I'll give you anything 

It's two a.m. as I grip the sheets next to me tightly, wishing his warm body were next to mine, so that I could pull it closer and touch his soft blond hair. I asked for a double bed. Maybe this time tomorrow he'll share it with me. No matter how much space I have, I always keep to my side. And every morning I wake up to his side cold and unslept. 

No more now. 

Even though it seems as though I've left in a hurry, I pretty much have things organised to perfection. I have a note in my pocket from Jennifer saying Justin can leave the school and she'll ring 3 hours before I show up there in my shining armor. I just hope I'll be able to keep my emotions in check when I see him again.   
That I'll be able to tell him how I feel. In a way that's possible for me. But like I told Marilyn, I'll do anything I can. Because I will not loose him. 

Never again. 

Justin's POV 

_Silence broken by_  
Your voice in the dark  
I need you here, tonight  
Just like the ocean   
Needs the waves   
Fall around me now, like  
Stars that shine  
And brighten the way  
I need you here, tonight   
Just like tonight,  
It needs the rain. 

It's two a.m. as I sneak down the corridor towards the administration room. Give me something, Brian. Help me get out of here.  
  
I took the skeleton key off of the cleaner's keyrack and stuffed it in my pocket when no one was looking. It's the middle of the night and the old screen lights up as a beacon on a darkened sea. I hope no one sees me. 

*   
Actually, I don't care if anyone sees me floating now. He found me. I knew he would. And I'll be safe. I promise that I won't let anything happen again before he finds me. A man needs to know when to walk away from certain fights.

I turn away from the screen and close the computer, crawling back into bed a few minutes later, hearing James softly snorring beside me. 

He'll be here soon. 

Brian's POV 

_Do we really need to talk this spy-talk?_

11: 34 and we are right on schedule. Jennifer called at 0800 hours and the note is stuffed into my fidgeting hands. The words needed to get him out of there written down in Jen's excited scrawl.  
  
The iron gates squeal appalled at my bravory when I push them open. I reckon most visitors fear the walls within these gates, but not me. No sir. I can convince everyone and overcome it all for him. 

Yeah. 

Justins POV 

"TAYLOR." 

"Yes, Sir?" Hoping, hoping, praying silently, that... 

"Go. You are no longer forced to be here." And, oh - do I see a smile on Ma's face? But it disappears as quickly as it appeared and leaves a dark shade around his lips. Guess they aren't used to smiling. 

But mine are and I prove that statement by giving him a nice one. "Thank you Sir."   
I hastily walk away from his anger, that could come out any minute now. 

" TAYLOR. " Like - now. 

" Sir? " 

" I had to tell you that the driver would pick you up just around the corner of 27th and Autumn. " I nod. 

He's here. 

Brian's POV 

What the hell could take so long? 

I think I've paced this pavement for an eternity and still no sign of him. My feet are starting to hurt, Sunshine, and the first thing you get to do when you get here is give them a nice massage. You at * least * owe me that for dragging my ass over here on a workday. You should be a grateful little shit.. 

Maybe they didn't let him go. Shit. 

With that thought in mind, I walk back towards the institute looking at my feet and practicing my ‘I demand you let my boyfriend go'speech. The gates greet me with their usual greatness and this time almost throw me off balance.

I can't let them get to me, I realize. Seconds later the gates swing open and reveal a heavy load of Sunshine to me. 

No words are spoken as we stare at each other, with only a few feet seperating us. 

He has grown a bit. 

And his eyes, they seem a little deeper. 

They almost make me drown. 

And then, without a proper warning, he drops his bags onto the driveway and runs to me, ready to fall into my now opened arms. His mouth opens to mine and then everything just blurs around us, even if it sounds lesbianic. 

There's just us,

And here,

And the taste of him,

Licking every inside of my mouth that he knows makes me shiver. 

My hand slides into his hair and brushes away the blond strands that fell over my nose. They reveal a shade on his perfect skin and it makes our mouths lose contact, panting heavily because of the intensity of the kiss. 

I missed it. 

Justin's POV  
  
He studies the bruise before pressing his lips lighty to it, tracing it with little kisses. I just melt further into his arms and fuck, how I missed this. But I have never felt this way before. He loves me. 

I don't doubt it anymore. 

He takes my head between his hands and looks closely. "Anything else?" I shake my head and smile. No, Brian, you saved me from the rest of it. 

He sighs in relief. "I made it on time." My face, still resting between his fingers, is pushed upwards gently and my mouth reaches out to touch his. To touch him. 

Anything... 

_O, am I coming back  
I'll never leave. _

"Home?" I whisper. 

He smiles as brightly as I've ever seen him smile and nods. "Yeah - Home." 

Brian's POV   
The jeep roars over the highway back home, and Justins fingers are interlaced with mine, resting on his tigh. I quickly look at him in the rearview mirror and almost have to blink the tears of happiness away. He's here. With me.

For ever. 

_I'm gonna leave any minute_  
Another skyline disappears  
Sunlight in the mirror  
Blinding me all these years   
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Song lyrics are from : Third Eye Blind - Anything, Mae - The Ocean and Tom McRae - Ghost of a shark. Thanks to all those artists for their music.


End file.
